Celebrating One Year

Sipping coffee on the porch of my father’s New Mexican home I am reminded of how precious life is…and how in the blink of an eye it can be thrust over the edge or saved.

A year ago today I donated one sister (of a healthy pair) of kidneys to my Dad.  The surgery itself, on June 9, 2011, was routine and uneventful, but the lasting effects for the both of us have been tremendous.  I hope to elucidate some of them here today.

For my father, his health has never been better.  A smaller bucket of medications has replaced the larger bucket that he took prior to the surgery.  This new regimen has made the post-transplant adjustment feel like a reprieve.  Two-three anti-rejection medications will be his constant companions, yet they seem like a small price to pay for having a healthy kidney to filter the toxins from his body.  Life is certainly less complicated when living organs do the job for which they were intended. 

My health is also as it should be.  My remaining kidney is doing the job of two and my energy level returned to its pre-surgery level about five months following my donation.  Always striving for balance in all things, I am working to return my abdominal muscles and my stamina to my pre-surgery standards.  This is a work in progress, but I feel as though I have made great strides in the last few months.

That leads me to mention all of the things that I have learned this year—and the learning curve was great and often surprising.  I need to break these down into practical matters and emotional ones.

Practical Matters or Practical Things That I Wish I Knew Before Surgery:

1.     Get a good physical therapist to tell you exactly what kind of exercises to do, and have a schedule of when to start doing them after the surgery.  After four months of abdominal crunches, and nothing to show for it, I was given practical and valuable exercises by a licensed physical therapist.  The crunches that I had been faithfully doing were completely inappropriate, unhelpful, and even potentially harmful.  My new isometric exercises isolate many muscle groups within the abdominal wall and strengthen my core without putting undo pressure on sensitive areas.  I finally feel like I’m making progress.  

2.     Scar tissue (elastin and fibrin) is laid down for up to two years after surgery.  Gentle massage and pressure, increasing as the scarred areas heal, along the suture lines, helps immeasurably in creating more flexibility and less sensitivity in these skin areas.  Two years is a long time, but it is worth the effort.

3.     Transplant Teams are invaluable resources for all phases of Living Kidney Donation.

*For me, it has been a struggle to stay in touch with my transplant team since I live thousands of miles away.  Constantly shifting positions, while understandable for a business and for career advancement, are hard on someone who has bonded with the Transplant Team members that got them through a tough time.  Grateful for the continued support of some members at my bedside one year ago, I must admit that it stung every time that new people were put “in charge” of my case.  There are many Team members and each has a dedicated job, so as each new person is assigned, they invariably give me a call and introduce themselves.  When speaking with a new team member (post surgery—social worker) she asked me if I had any issues or wanted to talk about anything.  When I started to explain to her what I was feeling, she cut short the conversation and told me that it was nice to “meet” me and she would call back another day.  She never did. 

*The Transplant Team worked hard to get me ready for my Living Kidney Donation, took exceptional care of me during the entire procedure, and worked to help me figure out what was going on after the surgery.  One incredible human being shone high above the others.  Her name is Chris.  Even though she was no longer “in charge” of me, no matter where she was or what she was doing, she was always available to help with encouraging words or real-time information.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I will always be grateful for everything!

Emotional Matters or Why Some Parts of This Were Surprisingly Difficult:

1.     Even with all of my careful preparations, followed by a summer of deliberate rest and relaxation, I didn’t realize that going back to work would be so stressful.  I have been a Montessori Early Childhood Educator for the last seven years and I have loved every minute of my time spent in the classroom.  If teaching children was the only consideration, I would have had no concerns and I would still be doing it.  Alas, other adults run the show outside of the classroom and they have the potential to make the school run smoothly or chaotically.  The latter has been my burden for the last few years and reached almost epic proportions this year. 

Unbeknownst to my conscious self (although constantly sensed by my unconscious self,) my work environment had slowly become toxic.   This meant that when my energy flagged and I fought to regain the stamina that was mine before surgery, I could no longer count on the men and women charged with the daily running of the school to be supportive, helpful, or even kind.  With all emotional and physical support conditional, my self-esteem and health took a hit.  Two months of writing, painting, hiking, gardening, and snuggling with my family seems to have dialed back much of the damage and I look forward to my new career as a full-time writer.

2.     Even goodhearted people, intent on doing nothing more than helping, almost never know how best to help…and they rarely ask.  Sometimes prayers are really all that someone wants.  It’s not a slight and doesn’t mean that offered help is unappreciated.  Time to heal with family is often the best salve.  I am truly blessed to have had so many loving and giving friends and family.  “Thank you” for all that you have done and all that you are can never be said enough.

3.     Some people will blame any personality characteristic that they do not like, or any time that you tell them “No” as proof that donating a kidney has somehow fundamentally changed who you are.  I read the greatest quote posted on Facebook by one of my friends that explains this phenomenon.  It reads: “When someone says, ‘You’ve changed!’ It simply means you’ve stopped living your life their way.”  I could not agree more! 

The people who have been threatened by my ability to establish boundaries have been reacting to my integrity, not any substantive change.  Perhaps the surgery has given me an excuse to be less flexible about those boundaries that matter, but they are the same ones that existed before the surgery…I am just being more vocal in my opposition to their being trampled now.

4.     Everything that happens, both physically and emotionally, cannot be blamed on the life giving Living Kidney Donation.  It is a surgery, one done intentionally and on a healthy individual, but that does not mean that every symptom is related.  Certainly check with the Transplant Team, or your own physician, but then look at what true-life stressors might be contributing.  A major event like this can be life giving for the Recipient and life affirming for the Donor.  Find out what is going on, and then work on a solution.  You may be surprised at where that leads. 

This year has been a tremendous time of healing, health, and personal growth.  Even with some major personal upheaval, I wouldn’t change a thing.  I am healthy, my father is healthy, and we are both stronger because of our challenges and success. 

I fought with myself for weeks over whether to make this a lighthearted blog entry about how amazing it is to be celebrating one year of health with my Dad (which it is,) or to write something substantive that would help someone already on track to give a similar gift.   The decision made for me the minute I decided to write the One Kidney Wonders blog in the first place, I want to help.

If you (or someone you know) are contemplating giving the Gift of Life to a loved one, friend, or colleague, I would urge you to learn as much as you can.  Talk to your family (you will need their constant support,) talk to your physician, and read everything about the subject.  Some of my best information came from reading donor’s personal blogs.  You won’t know everything (that’s not possible,) but perhaps by reading the experiences of others you can understand that the year of healing after the surgery is entirely worth the struggle.